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September 14th, 2010

10:15 pm
G: Did it ever occur to you that all this was part of your testing?

Yes. But I was never sure. How do I know this testing has a (good) purpose? It does nothing but cripple me. It leaves me unable to do anything. Always second guessing, doubtful, fearful to try anything. I'm paralyzed.

I thought testing was supposed to make us stronger? I'm just broken.

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September 13th, 2010

01:35 pm - The cost of righteousness
The easy way out is to just give up - temporarily. Send the family away, focus on reestablishing a career, then return when I'm ready to support them. I get all the benefits of living selfishly, but also getting a soothed conscience.

But I can't. It's not the right thing to do.

Christ. I wish those who preach about the right thing to do would also support those who have lost everything trying to do it.

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September 12th, 2010

10:31 am - Anonymity
Come to think of it, it might be better to complain anonymously than to confide in real life. So long as the anonymity holds, I can vent and still maintain the illusion that things in real life are ok. All the benefits of venting and all the benefits of discretion, at the same time. Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too?

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05:59 am - Anonymous desparation
Problems need an outlet. But for men, it's hard to find another who will really care. It's all a matter of luck. You need to be in the right time and place to meet the right person who is in the right time of their life to connect with you. Modern church men's groups try to to facilitate these connections, but there are too many variables for these groups to be effective in the long run.

Since nobody likes listening to another's problems, a blog directed to nobody in particular and written in comfortable anonymity is the best place to vent. I do hope somebody else is going through the same things but I'm under no illusions; the chances of that kind of connection are slim.

My problems, in sum: A bad marriage. A stagnant career. Bound by duty (divorce is not an option), bereft of privileges.

I shouldn't have been surprised at my present problems: they existed in some form growing up. Poor at what was cool then (sports). Plain, inconsequential and unremarkable in all other things (academics). Actually maybe slightly above average on the academics, but whatever advantage I might have had was destroyed by unrelenting criticism at home.

College was more social isolation (except for the first year). With academic struggles on top of that.

Professional life has been even more social isolation. Academic struggles has evolved into professional missteps. On top of that, a shitty marriage.

My wife - the last person I can open up to. Hopelessly mismatched. Her ego precludes her from caring. But even if she did care, I doubt she'd have the capacity to understand: she isn't too bright.

I dislike her, but I dislike myself even more. It was my weakness that lead to our marriage. I couldn't stand the loneliness. It was compounded by my job and my social situation. I was desperate. And in my desperation, the willingness of a pretty girl and the encouragement of my mother was enough to entice me into marriage.

My profession - I started in computer programming but in my first job, I was neither very good nor very engaged. I was hired because my company had money to burn and they needed to fill a minority quota. As a result, my manager struggled to find things for me to do and I was twiddling my thumbs for two years.

I was despondent when things finally started to pick up. I didn't recognize the opportunity that the new projects represented. Instead, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something better and more meaningful for me to be doing. I felt like God was calling me to something different, but I couldn't figure out what that was.

I thought it was law school. So I quit my job and enrolled. I struggled through the thing and thought about giving up but the very thought of quitting was hateful to me. Besides, I thought that God didn't want me to quit. I soldiered on and finished... at the bottom of the class.

I don't know if persevering was the right thing to do. If it was, then the right thing to do came at too high a price. I haven't passed the bar (too busy with family to properly study. But even if I pass, then what? Who's going to hire somebody at the bottom of the class?) And I'm stuck in a dead end job.

Who will bother caring about all this? Online is my last hope. And I'm flinging this out in the small hope that somebody out there has gone through the same thing.

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