March 18th, 2011
|10:52 am - Dear God|
A colleague once remarked, "You only have so many years to build a career."
I nodded my agreement and knew that my experiences could give that line so much meaning. That it could so easily throw me into despair as I realized how many years I've lost. But there was hope on the horizon when he delivered that line so the despair was kept away.
But now that that hope is gone, those words echo back to me and the despair hammers down on me.
It's not as if this is the first time I've experienced this level of despair over my career. But as time slips away and as I consider how my life is configured, the despair deepens.
Careers are built by taking on low paying positions that have lots of potential. I don't have that luxury. I have to take the highest paying position as I can get in order to support my family. My current position is so much of a dead end, there's no way I can use it as a stepping stone into something new. And because my days are spent at work and my nights are spent taking care of the family, I have no opportunity to advance into anything else.
Christ.. I'm trapped.
I took on the hard courses in college. Devoted my time to grad school. All of that wasted. I was a fool to have worked so hard. I should have just partied.
January 9th, 2011
|09:31 pm - Walking dead|
I should have realized that getting married killed my dream of becoming a lawyer.
Others were able to do it - get married, get the law degree, have kid(s)! Not me, though. Not with my weak intellect. Not with my unemployed, opportunistic, selfish wife. Not with my energetic kids.
My marriage during law school put a bullet to that dream and for the past 5 years, I've been carrying its corpse, thinking it was alive.
Now I realize, that I've sacrificed my dreams to bring hers to life. She got married and the house and the kids and being unemployed.
December 25th, 2010
|10:46 am - Another month, another unanswered prayer|
Every month, I've prayed for a change in our financial circumstances. And every month, He's ignored them. We continue to lose money. No new job prospects open up. My efforts to change into a more lucrative career are fruitless. My wife feels no sense of urgency to work. I've done everything I can. He has not done a thing. He who owns the cattle on a thousand hills doesn't lift a finger to help.
That's my testimony of His "faithfulness" to me.
Let the dispassionate observer come to his own conclusions.
December 14th, 2010
|09:15 pm - My heart's desire|
Excellence. Accomplishment. Something where all of my faculties - meager as they are - flow together to produce something useful, valuable. Something good.
Oh to be a good writer. All other expressive activities depend on something else. A dancer needs music. A musician needs an instrument. An actor needs his script. But a writer needs only a pen and paper.
Being able to write well must feel fantastic. An Idea arises and the Mind provides the first few words that give it a basic shape. Like a spring, the Idea works through the Mind, bringing more words flowing onto the page. Sentences and paragraphs flesh the Idea out, like adding flesh on bone. I can see that result, but when I reach out to grab it, my hands won't move.
The Mind is like a ship, carried on by the wind and waves of an Idea. But the Mind is also a conduit, chanelling that power into a work that will connect with another Mind and transmit that power.
And the power that words have. The right words at the right time can change a life.
Excellence in writing. Is that so much to ask for?
I have to confess, many times I give my thoughts over to blaming, cursing and blaspheming God, the old lessons return in force. But it's not with guilt that they come. They actually come with hope. To hope that this present suffering will be redeemed. That what I sow in tears I will reap in joy.
Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights.
I don't know what a perfect gift is; My perception is so warped that I wouldn't even be able to recognize it if it was before me. But I cannot deny that hope, rooted in Scripture, is a good thing. That His words actually trigger hope in me, in spite of how I feel toward him, must be a sign that He has not forgotten me.
I would prefer a change in circumstances - not in a twisted, Monkey's Paw way. But I'll take what I can get. If encouragement is all He choses to give me, then I have to believe that it is enough.
This is audacious. I wonder how long it will last. Is this what Peter was going through when He was walking on water as long as He trained his eyes on Jesus? Is this what it means to "fix our eyes on Him?"
I hope so.
December 9th, 2010
|10:05 am - Running without weariness|
I don't want to believe that God commands us to fly and then condemns us for not having the wings to do it.
I wish He would answer me. He walks with others. Why has he abandoned me?
September 26th, 2010
|10:06 am - Never to forgive, never to forget.|
All the stupid things I said when I was young. All the embarrassing things that I did - though meant for the best. How they haunt me. Not a day goes by when I relive those moments. But not in the innocence in which I spoke and acted. It is weighed down by the judgment of the present.
Every day of my life is another day in a court where I'm the defendant and I represent myself. My accuser has the resources of heaven and he will not rest his case until I die. In that moment, I will have to answer for a lifetime of those charges that evidence and his argument.
And on that day, I will neither know how to speak. Or read.
Yet, I will be expected to do both.
Oh to be free of this judgment. To feel the assurance of one who loves me and makes me feel redeemed.
I stand at the door and knock. But the hinges have rusted, my knuckles are bloody.
Current Mood: sad
September 22nd, 2010
The past 7 days have been so fatigue-ridden. I can't remember feeling more tired. Things haven't been particularly stressful at work. What is it?
I'm on my weekly out-of-town overnight and today I'm feeling really energetic.
Is being at home really having that much of a physical effect on me?
Current Mood: awake
September 19th, 2010
Jesus Christ, this baby will not stop crying!!! FUCK!
September 16th, 2010
|12:17 am - Church|
I don't go to church to praise God. I've been knocked down so hard on account of trying to serve Him that any attempt at praise wouldn't just be listless and devoid of passion. It would be a total lie. I don't love God. I hate Him.
But I still go to church. And I think it's my way of saying, "Fuck you, Asshole!" No matter how unfaithful He was to me, I'll still try to be as faithful as I can be and keep His commandment to go.
Jesus Christ... I think myself better than God. This is insane.
Current Mood: crazy